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Can’t we all just get along

In this time of turmoil and change, not only in my personal life but as well as the country I live in (USA), the same thing just keep resounding in my head…. Can’t we all just get along and love one another?

Now, don’t worry I’m not getting into politics because that’s an off limits topic in my house since BF and I disagree so I will not subject anyone else to the on going disagreements over our country. No, this post is about how people in my personal life can’t get along and love one another or at least me.

In the past few months, I have had to deal with a manager that disliked me because who I was friendly with (coworkers she didn’t like that no longer work with us) but the past couple of weeks it has become blatantly clear she doesn’t like me and I am baffled as to why. This manager hasn’t taken the time to get to know me or even be polite enough to say hello when I say hello to them. To top it all off, now my schedule is being affected because of the favoritism that’s being played with employees.

I had every intention of quitting last week when it happened the first time but I was talked of the ledge by the coworker’s that love me and I adore working with them. Quitting felt like the only option to stop the pain which there has been a lot of that in my life in the past 8 weeks. They told me to talk to the GM and see if I can work it out. I talked, he listened and we decided that I would limit my schedule from working around another coworker that was always so negative about life which was bringing me down instead of up in my own life.

I found out one of my coworker’s had to give up a coveted shift which was during my new availability, I immediately said something to the manager who disliked me and pretty much got shut down. Schedules came out a few days later and confirmed my suspicions…. I’m so disliked by this manager that a newer employee got the shift I wanted and I remain as a volume employee. 

Why? That’s is what I keep asking myself and replaying scenarios in my head of what I could have done to make my manager dislike me so much as to make sure I don’t make anymore money then I currently am and pass me up when I was next in life for certain coveted positions. Do I stay with an employer, where I am disliked and my income is now being effected by their actions? I guess it’s time to re-evaluate my life and employment because certain people are just not able to love one another and support each other instead of tearing them down. 

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Facebook and Relationship Age Gap

Prior to today, I haven’t mentioned my boyfriend to much but after a 6 hour “discussion” last night… it’s time to talk about our relationship. There is 10 year age difference between my boyfriend(45) and I(35), almost to the day. When we are together, you can’t tell an age difference because we can laugh and play and have fun but our issues do come up.

Last night’s “discussion” (which is in parentheses because he said it was us talking when to me I was fighting with him over this) was about Facebook. At 35, I am on multiple social media apps which helps me run my handmade business. I love posting on my social media because I love to brag about my life or vent about my life. In the past, I have posted about my relationships because I am proud of who I am with and what makes me happy. 

On the other hand, my boyfriend rarely posts and has made it clear to me that he doesn’t post and especially doesn’t post about his relationships. For months, I kept my mouth shut and tried to be ok with it. That was until the miscarriage, in my moments of anger I haven’t been holding back my thoughts and this was one of them. My boyfriend and I want to one day get married and try for another baby but I told him I didn’t want those things with him if I have to feel like I’m hiding parts of my life because his refusal to post about our relationship. He wanted me to only refer to him as my boyfriend and never tag him which hurt me because it felt like I was being hidden.

So we talked for 6 hours and eventually we realized that the 10 year age gap is the reason behind both of us looking at Facebook differently. He sees Facebook as way to communicate with friends but not opening his life up to the world. Whereas, I see Facebook as a place to tell the world about how my life is going because I don’t have the time to talk to each person individually. Eventually, he did see what I was saying and how I was feeling about how I don’t like the feeling of hiding my life. We are taking baby steps towards exposing him to posting on Facebook.

There is no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and have a child with him. In the same breathe, I won’t hide my life from the world and in this day and age the world is on social media.

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Grief turns to Anger

It’s been longer then I anticipated since I last blogged and here is why….

After my post about my miscarriage I went through the stages of grief. I cried my eyes out for a couple of days but went about my life. I went to work and cried in the bathroom. I dropped my daughter off at school and picked her up but while I driving in the car alone, I cried. I couldn’t stop crying and my poor boyfriend really didn’t know how to handle it. 

Once my crying slowed down, I am still going through bouts of crying, I got angry and nasty. Some days it’s gone from anger to rage over this loss that I didn’t know how to deal with at all. I was angry at everyone and anyone that entered my life. Working in the restaurant industry isn’t good for anyone prone to be angry, let alone a woman still dealing with her hormones being wacky and grieving the loss of her unborn child. 

Every child at one of my tables made me want to cry and there have been moments in the bathroom where I have shed a tear or two. Now it seems like I see baby commercials and adorable baby products everywhere I turn. All of this has set off a rage in me that I have never felt before this grief set in.

I have bit off the heads of the people I love over reasons I can’t remember. I have started fights with people of nonsense. I have just have been miserable in everything I say and do. Just my mannerisms have radiated negativity. 

To make matters worse, I work with someone who is known to be negative and miserable and this weekend my anger came to a head to popped. It felt this rage burst inside of me that I just couldn’t control or stop and it was a scary couple of days. I attempted to quit my job because I needed to get my head on straight and stay away from negativity. Thankfully my boss and I talked things out before I upped and quit my job but this anger needs to controlled.

Since this all happened, I adjusted my work schedule to work around happy, positive coworkers, joined the gym with my boyfriend and started listening to a new audio book. Small steps to big changes. 

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Heartbreak of a Miscarriage 

Words can never be enough to express how a mother feels when she loses a baby whether that baby is 20 years old, 20 days old or never made into their mothers arms. My heart feels completely broken tonight as I suffer through my 3rd miscarriage. 

It has been 4 years since my last miscarriage and this time was so different. I am with someone new, whom I love with all my heart. We were so excited when the sticks came back positive but I kept spotting which for any woman wanting a baby is the most dreadful thing to see. The spotting was on and off for 2 weeks since I found out I was pregnant. I went to the ER because I was so concerned over the spotting and mild cramping but they couldn’t find anything wrong… or the baby! 

The ultrasound found nothing in my uterus, no sac no fetal pole but nothing in my Fallopian tubes which was a positive thing because an ectopic could mean no future children. I was told that it could just be to early (5 weeks pregnant) to see anything. They sent me for follow up bloodwork to see if my levels were rising which they did but not much. 

Fast forward 4 days, after a weekend of morning sickness and sore breasts and constipation and bloating, I woke feeling like something was off. I went to work and went to the bathroom…. there is was the dreaded spotting was back. I drank more water and prayed while I waited on my customers. I checked again and the bleeding became heavier and my heart sank. I knew what was happening… I was losing my baby.

By the time I got home, I began to pass a clot and the bleeding has gotten heavier with some cramping. I had to hold it together until my 9 year old daughter went to bed. The moment she got into the shower, I lost it and started sobbing uncontrollably with no stopping in sight. 

As I was texting my boyfriend between tears, I realized I wanted to share my lose with others, to help other women get through what I am going through. It’s a heartbreaking situation and will never ease the pain of losing a child whether you held them in your arms or not but sharing with others can let you know your not alone. I will continue to post about how things how and how I’m feeling as I lose this baby and try for another in the future. 

Baby dust for all of you that have lost a baby and are trying for another baby. 

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Looking for my Creativity 

Normally I am so overly creative that I have multiple projects going at once but the past few days I feel creatively numb. I was making Messy Bun hats for customers and now that I’m done making them nothing is calling out to me.

I love finding new projects to start and get my creative juices going so this stand still in my creative process is unknown territory for me. I could make scarves or hats or blankets or a million other things. I mean I have my own patterns to make things, hundreds of patterns in my pattern folder not to mention the thousands and thousands of patterns on Pinterest but not one is peeking a little bit of interest.

What do you do when you lose your creatively? Do you push yourself to make something hoping it will come back? Do you make yourself take a creativity break?

Right now I’m pushing myself to keep creating because it’s an income for my family but I will keep you updated on how this artist block goes. If anyone has tips please feel free to share. 

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A New Year, A New Path

 On the  Eve of a New Year, I always want to make big plans to change my life but nothing seems to ever change. This past year things in my life have changed significantly but my feelings about myself and my life still haven’t changed to reflect the happiness I should feel. Well with the biggest changes of my life about to happen in 2017, I need to make a plan and stick to you and learn how to self love. 

I have pinned (yes I’m a Pinterest addicted… minimum 8 hours a day) self love help posts, downloaded books on audible and bought myself a new journal. My plan is to help my self love journey by blogging about my ups and downs. I had another blog but there was no app to be able to write and post from my phone so I started a brand new to go with my brand new journey. I plan on blogging about my self love journey, my business adventures (I crochet, paint and make body products which I sell locally) and my family adventures ( I have 3 kids that keep me on my toes plus a wonderful boyfriend that fills my heart with love and happiness)! 

I hope you all join me in my journey in 2017!