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A Reset for 2019

Where do I even begin this post? 2018 was both the best year and worst year of my life…

Let’s start with the good before getting to the bad and how I plan on changing things up for 2019…

The Great Moments

Baby Evelynne

What can be better then adding our baby girl Evelynne into our family! She is the happiest, easy going baby that lights up the room with her smiles and giggles. Every morning I look forward to my good morning kisses and snuggles with my baby girl. This was one of the 4 best moments of my life when she was born at 2am on January 1st.

A New Car

For years, I have been driving beater cars because I couldn’t afford to finance a car plus my credit score was crap. Doug’s credit wasn’t much better but we need to improve his score so we can purchase a family home for our kids. After many attempts at purchasing a new truck for Doug, he decided a safer car for the kids and I would be better for everyone. The timing was perfect because we have been dealing with tire issues, motor mount issues and other issues with the car which seemed to increase by the week lately. A Facebook ad popped up an older Lexus, fully loaded, in amazing condition with low mileage which intrigued Doug to put in an application to finance the car. 10 days before Christmas, I drove home my Christmas gift! She’s a beauty and I love my new car aka Roxy! (Who else names their cars?)

Cricut Maker and Easy Press 2

Another early Christmas gift that my husband gave me was the new Cricut Maker and Easy Press 2 so that I could start my shirt and bag portion of my business. I have been wanting/asking for a cricut for years and this new cricut maker is AMAZING! I mean there is nothing this machine can’t make though I am still learning how to work many of its features. Plus, the Easy Press 2 has made making dancers and dance mom shirts and bags SOOOO much easier!

Now for the bad..

Did He Cheat?

Evelynne was 2 weeks old when I received a random Facebook message from someone I didn’t know. This wasn’t uncommon since I am always selling things on Marketplace so I assumed it was someone looking to purchase something. The first line flipped my whole world upside down and changed who I am forever. This random girl with a made up Facebook name told me in the span of 7 messages that my husband was having sex with her, not wearing his wedding ring and she paid our recent cellphone bill. I confronted my husband who denied cheating and says he didn’t know who this girl even was but suspected it had to do with his ex. His excuse was that this girl was setup by his ex that he gave me a little girl that he didn’t give her. I sat in my bed, holding my newborn baby girl and just cried. The past year has been a blur of depression and anxiety because I just function the best I can until I end up in tears or having a panic attack.

As for this random girl, Sunshine as a first name is more then likely made up to hide her true identity though I later found out her real name and where she lives. My husband doesn’t know how much I found out about this person.

Writing this has the tears flowing like it happened minutes ago. I don’t know if the pain of this will ever go away which whether he did cheat or not, Doug doesn’t understand why I can’t just let it go and move on. How do you just let something like this go when it is a he said/she said situation but certain details scream out at me that this random girl shouldn’t know!

Yes, I chose to stay in my marriage and keep my family intact for the time being to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. It has NOT been an easy task when some days I want to scratch his eyes out and somedays I want to hide from the world and just cry. We are supposed to be working on our marriage which seems to be a lot of hot air from him but this will be part of my blog in 2019.

My Mom’s Diagnosis

For as long as I can remember, my Mom hasn’t felt good. She has seen many doctors and received different diagnosis as to what it could be but they just didn’t seem to fit all of her symptoms. Finally, this year we received the answers that have been sought after for over 20 years… she has an autoimmune liver disease called PBC. This disease will eventually require her to have a liver transplant. My mom having it makes the females in our family highly susceptible to ending up with it as well. I did some testing and I have the markers but so far my liver bloodwork has come back as normal. This is will be a future post that I will explain more about the disease and squash the assumptions because people hear liver and think alcohol.

No Health Answers for Myself

What’s so frustrating is that my mom got her answers finally and what I thought was my answer, anemia, was not my answer at all. With my pregnancy, my iron and ferritan levels were so low that I had to see a hematologist and start on infusions. The hematologist told me that all the symptoms that I have been living with for years was due to undiagnosised anemia that my body was reacting to like my arms and legs randomly going numb, the spots in my eye, the fatigue, the pure weakness I feel all day, everyday etc. With our new insurance, I had to see a new PCP which ran an extensive amount of bloodwork, only to find out that now my iron levels are fine and just see her back in 3 months. 3 more months of pain and exhaustion while caring for a toddler and running a business? UMM HELL NO! I need and want answers not just live with all of this and see her again in a few month. WTF why don’t doctors care enough to try and find answers anymore?

The Bad parts of 2018 could go on and on with our being forced out of house we had been renting for a few years because someone else bought it and didn’t know the laws in our state for buying a rental property to the mounting medical bills to the slow restart to my handmade business. I don’t want to be a total Negatve Nelly so I am going to stop here with the bad

Reset for 2019

I am a self admitted, self help book Audible junkie and fell in love with Mel Robbins book “The 5 Second Rule” this year. It really has helped motivate me to try new things and even push past the pain I am in to get things done. I was super duper excited to see that Mel is starting a new program in 2019 called #mindsetreset which will help get your mind out of the gutter its been in and reset into something you want your mind and life to be. I need this to get out of my funk and depression.

I want so much more out of 2019 like a successful business, a healthy body, loving marriage and happy family. Even if these things don’t turn out the way I want, at least I can say that I tried. I can’t wait to get back into blogging and track my progress in my life. My blog will be more about chatting about my life as a mom, an entrapreuner, a wife and a woman. I would have loved to continue showing off my cooking/baking/crafty side but when something becomes so overwhelming that you shut down, it is not a right fit for the moment. I love talking and relating to other women that could be going through the same struggles that I am going through because we are never alone.

If you want to join in on Mel Robbins’ #mindsetreset check out her website: Mel Robbins Mindset Reset

I look forward to chatting with all of you in 2019!

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A Letter To My Friends From an Infant’s Mom

Letter to My Friends

To All of My Friends,

Thank you for the support you have given me before I had this precious little baby that makes my whole world go round. Some of you are moms and some of you are not which means some of you understand what I am going through right now. My day, everyday, consists of taking care of this little person that relies solely on me to take care of their needs. This means lots of feedings, diaper changes and snuggles throughout the day and very little sleep.

I am sorry for not returning your calls or texts. I do see them and intend of getting back to you but I am usually in the throes of a baby related activity that I forget. When I remember again, it’s usually when I am awake for the 4am feeding which is not ideal to text someone to have a conversation. Then days go by and I remember again but feel guilty that I forgot so I don’t text or call you back because I have become a bad friend. I know many of you have given up on waiting for that text back and I am sorry. I am sorry that I have become a bad friend.

I see your fun times on Instagram and Facebook and wish I could be out having fun with you. My fun times are seeing my baby smile and giggle, to see their first roll over, being there for their first steps and when they speak their first word. My bottles are now filled with special booby juice instead of special grape juice. So when you have a drink, please have an extra one for me!

I don’t know when I can return to being a good friend again but I hope that when I am ready, you are willing to be my friend again. I look forward to have fun friend times again but right now my friend times are taken over with baby times. For those of you that are not mom’s yet, I will be there to support you when you are in the throes of Mommyhood. For my friends that are already mommies, I can’t wait to have playdates in the future.

I know that I am not a good friend right now but I am being the best Mommy that I can be. I am raising a precious child that will shape this world into a good world for all people. One day we will go out and have that glass of wine that I am dying for girly filled talking but until then enjoy your life and fun times.

Love,

Your Friend that is the Mommy to an Infant

To My Friends, I am sorry I am a bad friend but one day the baby will let me come out and play again.

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Feeling Like I Am Failing

Today’s post is going to be real, raw, and emotional post about motherhood at its darkest hour. This was your warning so if you can’t handle this type of post, turn back now….

Anyone who is the parent of a tween or teen knows the roller coaster of emotions they go through and subsequently we go through while dealing with their emotional meltdowns. Well, in our house we have been getting these emotional meltdowns, attitudes and refusals to listen more frequently as the days past some being multiple times through the day. Yesterday, I finally hit my emotional breaking point as a mom and a wife.

For nearly 9 years of Danyella’s life it was just her and I. We did everything together and I was Mom and Dad to her. Then I met my now husband, which began to invade into her “Mommy’s time is only for me time”.

In the beginning, Danyella and Doug got along great. They would hang out together and grab something to eat or surprise me with coffee at work. Then, Danyella began to resent him for taking up “her” Mommy time and stepping into a dad role which was uncharted territory for her. This resentment has just escalated and grown everyday for about the past year.

I know in the past year, a lot has changed for Danyella. She gained a new baby sister (which she wasn’t happy about until we came home from the hospital) and a step dad. I completely understand how much of a change this all is especially for a kid that does not cope with change very well at all.

I have become Mom, wife and referee. There is a part of me that feels I need to defend Danyella when she acts out or does something he doesn’t like. I mean this is my little girl. I’ve been all she has had for nearly her entire life so it’s hard for me to see him come down on her about things she does, especially when it’s things I’ve allowed but we differ in some of our parenting styles. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Doug’s parenting style is much more authoritative then mine is because I have learned not to sweat all the small shit. If the kid wants to eat in the living room once in a while what’s the big deal. If she falls asleep better watching tv, I’m not stressing out about it because it’s better then her not sleeping and keeping me up all night (already have a 10 week old that enjoys her night time snuggles). These are just the tip of the iceberg of where he and I differ and then clash because he wants to discipline her and I defend her.

Our marriage is already strained due to problems between him and I and adding the stress of the daily fighting between him and Danyella has just made things worse. He and I fight about her all the time because I don’t always agree with him or I feel like I need to defend my child.

He refuses to back down and look at things from her point of view. She refuses to do what she is told without an attitude or smart ass comment or tween temper tantrum. I am stuck in a position that I can no longer emotionally and mentally handle.

Last night I hit my breaking point with both of them and have felt the lowest I have for a long time. Dinner turned into a fight that I had to referee because Danyella refused to use manners while we sat down for the only family dinner we have every week. With a flair for the dramatics, Danyella was sent to take a shower after pretending to gag because she was told she had to finish the last 3 pieces of pork on her plate but wanted to eat more asparagus.

After her shower she was asked to help clear the table which turned into an attitude fest. This got under Doug’s skin and he said something to her about dropping her attitude. Well, the attitude continued and he took her firestick to her tv away. Let’s just say she flipped out. It ended with her throwing stuff at him. He got into the shower to calm down and she went to bed.

I broke down and cried at my kitchen sink for over an hour and then just walked around the house crying while he was in the shower. No matter how much I’ve said to either of them that this stress of them not getting along is killing me, it’s like neither of them care how I’m being effected. I am not agreeing with him completely because I know he does expect more of her then I have so he comes down on her about (to me stupid shit) shutting her dresser drawers or how she sits at the table. I am not agreeing with her about how she doesn’t need to listen to either of us because she is “to old to listen now”. How in the hell did my life get like this?

I feel like I am failing as a mother and a wife because I can’t make either of them happy. My daughter has come to resent me for having to discipline her for her mouth and attitude that is nearly an all day, everyday occurrence. My husband and I have a long list of problems and this one is the source of our one of the top 2 problems. (The other one is for a future post when I can finally get the words to come out between the tears) I can’t make either of them happy which has made my life miserable and I don’t know how to fix things to make life more bearable for myself.

Mom and wife failure at its finest right now.

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Last Days To Get Her Something Special Valentine’s Day Edition

Last Days to Get HER a Gift

Yes that is a mouthful of a title but how else can I get your attention when you have a week until Valentine’s Day to get your special lady something she will love! Thank goodness for Amazon Prime where they will ship with 2 day shipping so you still have time to get your special lady that lovely gift for a lovely day.

This post may contain affiliate links. See our disclosure page for more information.

1. State Stamped Necklace: If your girl is like me, we are proud of where we come from and love to show that pride to others. (Jersey Girl!)

State Necklace, Personalized Small State Shaped with Initial Heart on Disc Charm Necklace, Texas California State Outline Jewelry

2. Mommin’ Aint Easy Wine Glass: For the girl who is a Mommy too!

Mommin’ Ain’t Easy Stemless Wine Glass, Mom Gifts, Gift for Her, Mother’s Day, Christmas – SG20

3. Spa Gift Box for Her: Give her time to relax in the comfort of her own home with a Spa box

Spa Gift Basket Refreshing Rose & Jasmine Fragrance, Beautiful Wooden Gift Box with Mirror, Perfect Wedding, Birthday or Anniversary Gift, Bath gift Set Includes Shower Gel, Bath Bombs and More!

4. Lucky Penny Keychain: Let your lucky lady know you feel you are lucky to have her today and everyday with this keychain!

Lucky Penny Key Chain

5.Bring Me Coffee Socks: What woman can use a cute pair socks especially when they are in need of a cuppa coffee!

Luxury Cotton “Bring Me Coffee” Funny Socks – Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift for Him or Her, Hilarious Novelty or Gag Gift Idea for Wife or Husband – Best White Elephant Present For Coffee Lover

All of these items can be purchased with Amazon Prime’s 2 day shipping service! If you don’t already have Amazon Prime then try it for 30 days by clicking this link: Try Amazon Prime 30-Day Free Trial

I hope this helped you find a last minute gift for your lovely lady and that you both have a Loving Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day Gifts for Him

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If you are like me, you have no idea what to give the man in your life for Valentine’s Day. Plus this year we are on a budget for gifts so I wanted to find unique gifts that were affordable.

This post may contain affiliate links. See our disclosure page for more information.

Here are my top 5 choices:

For the Beer Lover:

Fuzzy Socks L&ZZ Unisex Funny Saying Knitting Word Combed Cotton Crew Coffee Socks for Men Women

For the Beard Men

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Beard Oil Beard Butter in Timber Mint 1 Ounce Handmade in Maine with Organic Oils Better than Beard Oil

For the Outdoorsman

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Soundbot SB210 HD Stereo Bluetooth 4.1 Wireless Smart Beanie Headset Musical Knit Headphone Speaker Hat Speakerphone Cap,built-in Mic (BLK)

For the Sports Fan

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Philadelphia Eagle Black Metal Frame or choose your man’s fave team!

For the Nerd or movie buff

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Crazy Dog T-Shirts Mens Best Husband In The Galaxy Funny Nerdy Love Marriage T Shirt (Black) XL

I hope that you enjoyed my Valentine’s Day for him gift guide for this year. All of these gifts can be purchased and shipped with free 2 day shipping when you use Amazon Prime. If you don’t have Prime click the link below to start your free 30 day trial today!

Try Amazon Prime 30-Day Free Trial
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Happy Valentine’s Day to you and all of those you love ❤️

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We Got Married

 

we got married

Last week we decided to do something special… we decided to get married. This is something that I didn’t expect to happen, well, honestly ever. He always told be that if he got married again, he wasn’t going to rush into which is funny to me because we live together and are expecting a baby in the next 10 or less weeks.

In a casual conversation, over text, Doug suggested we get married before the end of the month. There is a two-part reason for this sudden rush…. the biggest being that in order for me to change my insurance to one that my delivering hospital will accept since they have changed everything after being bought out by a private company. The other reason is that we love each other and we are going to be a family solet’s make it official.

I am not going to lie, I was super hesitant at first because I wanted this wedding to be a beautiful wedding since my first was a shotgun wedding at the justice of the peace. I finally accepted the fact that this wasn’t like my first because I wasn’t feeling forced into it and that we will be renewing our vowels and having a party next year. That will give me a year to plan the beautiful wedding with the dress of dreams.

Still, I am in shock that it all happened and we got it together starting Wednesday. In New Jersey, we have a 3 day waiting period to pick up the marriage license which left us with Monday (today) and Tuesday (Halloween) to get the ceremony performed to make the necessary changes for the insurance in time. We chose Monday because it is my late Grandfather’s birthday which is very special to me.

Once we got the license process started, we had to find an officiant. This seemed to be the hardest part to set up. We tried the local Mayors and they either only did it on specific day, NOT MONDAY, or took forever to get back to us. So I found a website that I entered the details of what we were looking for and gave us a list of officiants in our area plus their fee. I contacted one that I thought looked really nice and had a good rating which worked out wonderful. RevJeff was awesome and thoughtful and I hope he will do our renewal next year.

Last was clothing and flowers… I didn’t do the traditional white dress because I am saving that for the renewal ceremony. Since Doug and I love purple, everything was a shade of purple. I found a dress in the Motherhood Maternity section at boscovs and matched it with a little black cardigan. Well it was so cold that I ended up wearing my poncho to stay warm. Danyella found a pretty lace dress and we let her get “high heels”. Doug already had a purple shirt and tie so that was easy. We got the flowers from a local grocery store that sells really nice bouquets and my sister made nice arrangements for us to hold.

Overall, the ceremony was cold but nice. We had it in the park under some trees surrounded by some of the family that could make it. Since we were keeping it quiet, we surprised everyone by announcing it on Facebook and Instagram which shocked most people since we didn’t have an engagement period. Happy Birthday to my Pop Pop and Happy Wedding Day to Doug and I.

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Birthday on a Budget for the Men

Photo Aug 16, 8 20 25 AMHappy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to my Baby Daddy, Happy Birthday to You!

I had to start my post out today with a special birthday shout out to my Baby Daddy aka my boyfriend. He is in the middle of inventory at work and finishing a job so I only got to see him as he got into bed at 6:30am and when I left at 9am but I still wanted to make feel special because celebrating others is something I love to do.

My Birthday Gift to HIM:

Photo Aug 15, 10 35 08 PM

Photo Aug 15, 10 35 17 PM

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course my idea came from Pinterest because most of my ideas are inspired by others on Pinterest. Doug loves Sharks so this tackle box filled with candy is just up his alley with a cute little saying for him. I headed to Walmart and purchased the tackle box (not sure that is the correct term because I don’t fish lol) for $2.44 plus Smarties (his favorite candy that has yet to make him any smarter lol), Gummy Lifesavers, Gummy Worms and Swedish Fish. All of this was under $10 and made a cute gift that he can snack on while he is at work plus use the tackle box after he done eating his candy.

Plus the candy (except Smarties because just yuck!) that didn’t fit made a nice snack as I assembled the box last night. Baby Evelynne and I were happy with our late night sugar rush!

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Eggs of Love

Photo Aug 06, 7 38 41 AM

I am going to start this off with kind of a disclaimer/apology to my baby daddy/boyfriend… When I started blogging (on a different platform until someone turned me onto WordPress), my posts consisted of the ups and downs of being a single mom in the world of dating while running a business. This is something that I have continued to do with this blog and I forget that when I write it involves other people. Honestly, I never thought that BD would ever read my blog but once I saw him get upset about my writing I began to censor myself. I don’t agree that I should censor what I write because I write about my life…. the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful moments. So before I continue with this post…. babe I am sorry if my posts upset you but please remember that I love you.

With the apology out of the way let’s get to the ups and downs that have been happening

Photo Aug 06, 7 38 56 AM

lately. With so much focus on our unborn baby, kids, work, needing to move and all of the other stresses we have going on, we have really let each other go with our relationship. It has felt more like we are roommates that share a bed once in a while then a couple that love each other. I have been crying about our relationship almost daily because I feel alone and unloved which I am the type of person that needs the constant feel of affection and love in my life when I am with someone. Now I know that my hormones have not helped my constant crying but the underlying problem is there and needs to be addressed in order to be fixed.

In being wrapped up in all of my self wallowing and crying about how alone I feel, I have not considered how he is feeling because I have not given to him what I amc12c81aeb25776e873ea34055b955643 asking from him. As a girl, I love being held in his arms and just cuddling so when I see the dog getting all the cuddles and kisses I want I got jealous. (yes jealous of the damn dog) If I wanted those cuddles I should have told him or moved the dog and started cuddling with him. When I brought up my jealousy of the dog this morning, BD basically said that I don’t make him feel loved either.

So we do need to find a way back to each other before our relationship goes into the grave. I know that I have been difficult to deal with lately and can be very demanding when I want something and a bitch when I don’t get something (like for my birthday he was out of the house and I didn’t even get a card which made me feel like I was just about the most unloved person ever and I made my feelings very known). It takes two of us to get our relationship back from being one foot in the grave and I am hoping we BOTH can work on building a stronger relationship.

PS Thank you for the Egg and toast for breakfast!

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Balance in Relationships

Something that I have struggled with for basically all of my life is creating a balance in my relationships where I am not giving, giving, giving and not getting anything in return. Don’t get me wrong, I love to help people and be there for the ones I love but I do this to a point where I get burned out and then resent this person for the way I am feeling about myself. The feelings of resentment then resonate in my mind and it turns ugly. The last thing I end up doing to casting this person, that I resent so much, out of my life and later regret my actions but it is to late to change things now or the person and I reconcile and the cycle continues over and over again. one day she remembered that it wasn't her job to keep everyone happy

Now, I am not talking about just romantic relationships, but all my relationships with friends and family. I love to see others happy even if it costs me my own happiness until I can’t take it anymore. Neglecting your own happiness and well being to create someone else’s happiness is not healthy but it is a cycle that I seem to get myself stuck in all the time. Yes, I do self love work and have come a long, long way in my 35 years of creating other people’s happiness and avoiding my own but the cycle still exists and it flat out sucks.

When it is a family relationship that this is occuring in, I will take a “time out” from said family member and get myself back on track until I see the cycle begin again. When it comes to romantic relationships, you really can’t take a “time out” without killing the relationship but if the relationship continues at a rate that is uneven then the relationship is going to suffer repercussions, possibly permanant ones.

Currently, I am struggling with this balance in multiple relationships in my life and the attempt to find the balance has been exhausting because truly it takes two to create this balance. In my romantic relationship, the lack of balance is one that has been mentally and emotionally exhausting because no matter how hard I try, his lack of keeping his end of the balace has me working harder but seeing no results. Our schedules have become so opposite of each other that even when we have time to spend together there is very little connection and being a hopeless romantic, I am left wondering what I am doing wrong or what else I can do but in reality I can do everything possible but without the other person balancing out my efforts then all it does is build up resentment until I blow up.

That blow up has recently happened and it was not pretty. I exploded and cried and exploded and still hold the feelings of resentment because I don’t know what to do to get it through his head that I need him to keep up with his end of the relationship. We may only have a half hour in the evening before I go to bed, but make the most of that time. Cuddle with me, hold my hand, take a bath with me, remind me that I am the one you love. Since we only have a little time to spend together then find something special to suprise me with and remind me why I fell in love with you. Just because life happens and we work hard to keep our house and family living comfortably doesn’t mean that we begin to act like roommates not lovers.

Since my blow up, I am learning to do more for myself and love myself more then doing things for my love. There is a part of me that feels guilty for acting like this but I need to make myself happy because I don’t feel like I am making him happy. It breaks my heart that he feels like we are ok but I am not so maybe showing him that making myself happy before his happiness will open his eyes before our relationship ends up with repercussions we cannot come back from.

It is extremely hard to talk about my personal relationship but I know others can relate which is why I am doing it. Whether its a lover, friend or family member…. make each of them feel loved and of course love yourself first!

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Facebook and Relationship Age Gap

Prior to today, I haven’t mentioned my boyfriend to much but after a 6 hour “discussion” last night… it’s time to talk about our relationship. There is 10 year age difference between my boyfriend(45) and I(35), almost to the day. When we are together, you can’t tell an age difference because we can laugh and play and have fun but our issues do come up.

Last night’s “discussion” (which is in parentheses because he said it was us talking when to me I was fighting with him over this) was about Facebook. At 35, I am on multiple social media apps which helps me run my handmade business. I love posting on my social media because I love to brag about my life or vent about my life. In the past, I have posted about my relationships because I am proud of who I am with and what makes me happy. 

On the other hand, my boyfriend rarely posts and has made it clear to me that he doesn’t post and especially doesn’t post about his relationships. For months, I kept my mouth shut and tried to be ok with it. That was until the miscarriage, in my moments of anger I haven’t been holding back my thoughts and this was one of them. My boyfriend and I want to one day get married and try for another baby but I told him I didn’t want those things with him if I have to feel like I’m hiding parts of my life because his refusal to post about our relationship. He wanted me to only refer to him as my boyfriend and never tag him which hurt me because it felt like I was being hidden.

So we talked for 6 hours and eventually we realized that the 10 year age gap is the reason behind both of us looking at Facebook differently. He sees Facebook as way to communicate with friends but not opening his life up to the world. Whereas, I see Facebook as a place to tell the world about how my life is going because I don’t have the time to talk to each person individually. Eventually, he did see what I was saying and how I was feeling about how I don’t like the feeling of hiding my life. We are taking baby steps towards exposing him to posting on Facebook.

There is no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and have a child with him. In the same breathe, I won’t hide my life from the world and in this day and age the world is on social media.