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Struggling With My Gratitude

Struggling with My Gratitude

With everything that has occurred this year, I have been struggling with my gratitude and thankfulness, hence the many missing Thankful Thursday posts. It has become difficult to be grateful when I am so angry at so many people and at the Universe.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my kids and supportive family and friends through these difficult times. The problem is that I draw a blank when I think about what I am grateful for in my life. I will find something I am grateful for and then think about what I don’t have or how I got screwed out of something related to this grateful thing, and I am back to being angry again.

This mindset of anger has effected every aspect of my life where I am not striving to be the best I can be. My business has been slow going because I feel like I just run out of time to do anything. Instead of doing what I need to do, my mind wanders and before I know it I have been thinking and engrossing myself for over an hour. Poof that time I had while the baby is sleeping is now gone and I can’t get it back. The rift in my already damaged marriage is just increasing in size because if I can’t control my anger towards things then I can’t be in a good place to work on bridging the gap. Even my poor supportive friends are being neglected because I know that when I speak, all I do is spew negativity so I have just stopped talking at all. The only ones that I have tried to protect from my ungratefulness is my children because no matter what they are my main priority in life and I don’t want them to feel my anger.

This all means that I need to go back to the beginning and work on myself. I need to make working on my self care and self love a priority because dwelling on my anger is only bringing myself and everyone around me down.

My top 5 things to help me work on my self care:

  1. Write and recite daily affirmations
  2. Write 5 things I am grateful for every night, even when I am not feeling grateful
  3. Listen to/Read the Secret and my other go to self care books
  4. Write out my feelings in my journal, even if it is multiple times a day
  5. Give myself time to love myself

In the past, I have gone through these periods which were triggered by a stress factor and in the past few months since Evelynne was born there has been multiple stressors. I know I can’t beat myself up for needing to start over in my self care journey (trust me I have been beating myself up for months now) because I am only human. As humans, we will go forward and have our setbacks but that is what makes us grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

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Do you have any tips to get out of your funk and back to self care?

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Finding Positivity During Hard Times

I thought with the birth of my little Evelynne on New Year’s Day, that 2018 was going to be a great year…. my year. Well the trials and tribulations have just continued into this new year. So a new year doesn’t always mean a new slate, it just means adjusting your perspective and approach to those hard times that plague your life.

I am starting off this new year with having to find a new home for my family due to circumstances out of my control as a renter. I am having to make a decision that is breaking my heart about my marriage because the trust has been broken between my husband and I. I am having to make a decision about to do about going back to work and whether I want or have the heart to put my precious baby into the care of someone else. These are all changes I was not expecting to deal with 18 days into 2018…. 18 days after my little baby was born.

I won’t lie or sugar coat this at all, I have cried and cried and cried but those tears were not getting what I needed done or helping my family. My other concern about my tears is falling into post partum depression which I experienced after my first baby. PPD is not something any mother wants or should have to deal with especially if being triggered by outside circumstances.

How am I keeping the positive during these hard times? I am working on my self care. This is something I have consciously work on or I can find myself just sitting and wallowing in my sorrows for hours.

This means I am making myself get up and shower. I am making myself read and listen to my positivity books when I am sitting to pump or feed the baby. Those moments when I get down, I make myself pull out my notebook and write positive things about myself and my life. Lastly, I let myself cry when I need to cry as long as it does hinder myself from doing things I need to do for my girls and myself. (Even as I am writing this post, tears are flowing because sometimes I need to let them out).

Life isn’t always the way we want it to be but we can’t let the negativity pull us down. As a mother, I need to have the strength to be the best I can be for my children. Yes, Times will be hard and times will be sad and times will be easy and times will be happy but no matter what the times are for you… always find the positive even if it means taking the extra time to do so.

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Say Nice Things to Yourself

Remember when your mother taught you “if you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say anything at all”? As an adult, I have realized that we say the meanest of things to ourselves. The person we should lova1c8455afb3d5542cff03d053c9e788ae the most in the world, we berate, ridicule, and mentally/verbally abuse the most… Ourselves!

I learned that I did this to myself about 9 years ago when I started reading Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” where she blatently tells her readers that they are abusing themselves with the things we say and think about ourselves. I truly had a hate/hate relationship with myself for most of my life and it was affecting what good and bad things happen in my life. If I couldn’t love myself and praise myself then how could someone else love me? How could the universe provide for me when I couldn’t provide one positive thought for myself? It didn’t and I was suffering more then I ever thought I would in my life.

How could I recover from the years of abuse that I gave myself? I started by reciting affirmations to myself. For those of you who do not know what affirmations are, they are encouraging words that you say to yours
elf over and over, everyday! I started off with “I am loving and loveable” and worked my life around things that I wanted to happen in my life. Over the years, things would happen and I would get away from my affirmations…. then something bad would happen and I would snap back into the reality of how powerful these affirmations are to my well being.

That has recently happened to me, life got ahead of me and I became laxed in my affirmations. As a result, my life became overwhelming, disoriented and began a downward spiral. I found myself yelling at myself for the lack of money coming in, being lazy, being fat and being ugly. That is not how I would let someone else treat me so why was I treating myself like this?

It is easy to fall back into bad habits but it is rewarding to push past those bad habits and start now traditions…. even if it means starting them over again! So the past week, I got a binder out of the school supply cabinet, filled it with lined paper and began writing out affirmations to help me out of my current financial crisis. Everyday, I write out an affirmation that positively affirms that money flows into my life to pay my bills and provide what my family needs. Mind you, affirmations coexist with hard work. The money, love etc that you seek will not just fall into your lap. You still need to map out a plan on how you can get to your goals.

As a server (waitress), my money is reliant on what tips that I make so those affirmations help to bring me higher tips to provide for my family. I saw this happen this past week where I was able to stay later then originally expected and make more money then I had for a goal for the day. If you believe then it will happen, just keep telling yourself those positive affirmations every single day and if you have a negative thought then follow it up with 10 positive thoughts!!

Here is my current list of financial affirmations that I am working with:

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