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A Reset for 2019

Where do I even begin this post? 2018 was both the best year and worst year of my life…

Let’s start with the good before getting to the bad and how I plan on changing things up for 2019…

The Great Moments

Baby Evelynne

What can be better then adding our baby girl Evelynne into our family! She is the happiest, easy going baby that lights up the room with her smiles and giggles. Every morning I look forward to my good morning kisses and snuggles with my baby girl. This was one of the 4 best moments of my life when she was born at 2am on January 1st.

A New Car

For years, I have been driving beater cars because I couldn’t afford to finance a car plus my credit score was crap. Doug’s credit wasn’t much better but we need to improve his score so we can purchase a family home for our kids. After many attempts at purchasing a new truck for Doug, he decided a safer car for the kids and I would be better for everyone. The timing was perfect because we have been dealing with tire issues, motor mount issues and other issues with the car which seemed to increase by the week lately. A Facebook ad popped up an older Lexus, fully loaded, in amazing condition with low mileage which intrigued Doug to put in an application to finance the car. 10 days before Christmas, I drove home my Christmas gift! She’s a beauty and I love my new car aka Roxy! (Who else names their cars?)

Cricut Maker and Easy Press 2

Another early Christmas gift that my husband gave me was the new Cricut Maker and Easy Press 2 so that I could start my shirt and bag portion of my business. I have been wanting/asking for a cricut for years and this new cricut maker is AMAZING! I mean there is nothing this machine can’t make though I am still learning how to work many of its features. Plus, the Easy Press 2 has made making dancers and dance mom shirts and bags SOOOO much easier!

Now for the bad..

Did He Cheat?

Evelynne was 2 weeks old when I received a random Facebook message from someone I didn’t know. This wasn’t uncommon since I am always selling things on Marketplace so I assumed it was someone looking to purchase something. The first line flipped my whole world upside down and changed who I am forever. This random girl with a made up Facebook name told me in the span of 7 messages that my husband was having sex with her, not wearing his wedding ring and she paid our recent cellphone bill. I confronted my husband who denied cheating and says he didn’t know who this girl even was but suspected it had to do with his ex. His excuse was that this girl was setup by his ex that he gave me a little girl that he didn’t give her. I sat in my bed, holding my newborn baby girl and just cried. The past year has been a blur of depression and anxiety because I just function the best I can until I end up in tears or having a panic attack.

As for this random girl, Sunshine as a first name is more then likely made up to hide her true identity though I later found out her real name and where she lives. My husband doesn’t know how much I found out about this person.

Writing this has the tears flowing like it happened minutes ago. I don’t know if the pain of this will ever go away which whether he did cheat or not, Doug doesn’t understand why I can’t just let it go and move on. How do you just let something like this go when it is a he said/she said situation but certain details scream out at me that this random girl shouldn’t know!

Yes, I chose to stay in my marriage and keep my family intact for the time being to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. It has NOT been an easy task when some days I want to scratch his eyes out and somedays I want to hide from the world and just cry. We are supposed to be working on our marriage which seems to be a lot of hot air from him but this will be part of my blog in 2019.

My Mom’s Diagnosis

For as long as I can remember, my Mom hasn’t felt good. She has seen many doctors and received different diagnosis as to what it could be but they just didn’t seem to fit all of her symptoms. Finally, this year we received the answers that have been sought after for over 20 years… she has an autoimmune liver disease called PBC. This disease will eventually require her to have a liver transplant. My mom having it makes the females in our family highly susceptible to ending up with it as well. I did some testing and I have the markers but so far my liver bloodwork has come back as normal. This is will be a future post that I will explain more about the disease and squash the assumptions because people hear liver and think alcohol.

No Health Answers for Myself

What’s so frustrating is that my mom got her answers finally and what I thought was my answer, anemia, was not my answer at all. With my pregnancy, my iron and ferritan levels were so low that I had to see a hematologist and start on infusions. The hematologist told me that all the symptoms that I have been living with for years was due to undiagnosised anemia that my body was reacting to like my arms and legs randomly going numb, the spots in my eye, the fatigue, the pure weakness I feel all day, everyday etc. With our new insurance, I had to see a new PCP which ran an extensive amount of bloodwork, only to find out that now my iron levels are fine and just see her back in 3 months. 3 more months of pain and exhaustion while caring for a toddler and running a business? UMM HELL NO! I need and want answers not just live with all of this and see her again in a few month. WTF why don’t doctors care enough to try and find answers anymore?

The Bad parts of 2018 could go on and on with our being forced out of house we had been renting for a few years because someone else bought it and didn’t know the laws in our state for buying a rental property to the mounting medical bills to the slow restart to my handmade business. I don’t want to be a total Negatve Nelly so I am going to stop here with the bad

Reset for 2019

I am a self admitted, self help book Audible junkie and fell in love with Mel Robbins book “The 5 Second Rule” this year. It really has helped motivate me to try new things and even push past the pain I am in to get things done. I was super duper excited to see that Mel is starting a new program in 2019 called #mindsetreset which will help get your mind out of the gutter its been in and reset into something you want your mind and life to be. I need this to get out of my funk and depression.

I want so much more out of 2019 like a successful business, a healthy body, loving marriage and happy family. Even if these things don’t turn out the way I want, at least I can say that I tried. I can’t wait to get back into blogging and track my progress in my life. My blog will be more about chatting about my life as a mom, an entrapreuner, a wife and a woman. I would have loved to continue showing off my cooking/baking/crafty side but when something becomes so overwhelming that you shut down, it is not a right fit for the moment. I love talking and relating to other women that could be going through the same struggles that I am going through because we are never alone.

If you want to join in on Mel Robbins’ #mindsetreset check out her website: Mel Robbins Mindset Reset

I look forward to chatting with all of you in 2019!

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Finding Your Life Mantra

Finding Your Life Mantra

When I first heard the term “Life Mantra”, honestly I thought it sounded kinda weird and crazy. I mean why did I need a life mantra to remind myself that I am a wonderful person or that my life is amazing?

It took me many years to realize that I needed the life mantra because I would mentally beat myself up. Everytime something went wrong in my life, a relationship or friendship would end, I fell behind on bills…. anything that was wrong, I would tell myself hateful things. I would tell myself how stupid I am, how ugly I am, that my life sucked or that I was just not loveable.

When I wasn’t in the throes of my anxiety or depression, I could see how my life wasn’t as horrible as my mind was making it. In the midst of those throws, it was like a tape recorder on repeat where all the bad things were just ongoing in my mind. How could I feel like a wonderful person when the one person that should love…. me …. couldn’t say one nice thing to myself??

That is when I started working on my self-care and reading everything I could on helping get myself out of this repeat mode of bad thoughts. I can’t even tell how many self-help books I have read over the past 10 years but the one recurring theme was to change your bad thoughts into good thoughts. In addition to changing your thoughts, you should implement positive affirmations into your daily self care routine.

I like to take the positive affirmations one step further and created a life mantra. My life mantra is something that I like to repeat to myself when I start those bad thoughts. When life gets stressful and my instinct is to beat myself up, I repeat “I am loving and loveable” to myself over and over and over until I snap out. Some days, life gets overwhelming and I will not only repeat my mantra to myself but I will write my mantra down so that I see what I want to feel.

I know that some people use “I am Enough” or “My Life is Wonderful” as their life mantra. Your Life Mantra should feel unique to you. Think about how you wan to feel about yourself or your life…

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Do you want to feel more love? Do you want to feel like you are enough? Do you want to feel your life is going in a certain direction? Do you want to feel successful in your life?

I am Loving and Loveable

Once you come up with your life mantra, it will take some time and practice but start by saying your life mantra to yourself when you wake up and before you go to bed. Doing this in the mirror is more effective, especially in the beginning, to get your mind used to repeating this to yourself. When you begin to think those bad thoughts, turn your thoughts to your life mantra to turn yourself around to the positive side.

Yes, this takes work, time and patience but it is so worth it because self-care is important to everyone at every age. Start slow and begin to build your life mantra into your everyday thinking. When you see yourself, spiraling down, say your mantra and bring yourself up again. I believe in you and now it is time to believe in yourself!

 

 

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30 Weeks Pregnant And Dealing with Depression

A smile is its sword.Even though post partum depression is still a very quiet subject that most people do not want to talk about, depression during pregnancy is an even quieter subject. I suffered from anxiety and depression long before my pregnancy but went off of my medication once I found out I was pregnant. I would do anything to keep my unborn baby healthy, but at what cost to myself.

Why did I go off of my medication? The type of medication I was on is considered a Class D drug which deemed it unsafe for a growing fetus. So of course I made the decision to put my baby and her health first.

For most of my pregnancy, I was doing well with my depression but my anxiety has yet to get under control. Some days were better than others when it came to my panic attacks but the anxiety has always been there. Whether it has been over things going on with the baby, parenting, family, relationship, our home… anything. In the past few weeks, the panic attacks not only come daily but multiple times a day or hour.

I have tried meditation, positive thinking, audio books on positivity, journaling and so much more but nothing has been working. The other day the anxiety turned to pure depression. I couldn’t move and refused to get out of bed. The tears and depressive thoughts just came in droves and consumed everything in me. I just couldn’t take anymore and this was more than just a hormonal unbalance.

When you can no longer function in your daily life because of depressive thoughts then it is more than just being sad about something. I have talked to my OB about finding a safe medication to go on because I know that I need something to help me through this.  I need be happy about my life again without anxiety and depression taking over.

No person deserves to suffer through anxiety and depression and a pregnant shouldn’t be left to feel ashamed because they need help through this time in their lives. I wish I hadn’t waited so long to speak up because having these panic attacks that lead to depression moments is exhausting for everyone, not just me but my family as well. A happy mama makes a happy baby makes a happy home!


 

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Thankful for Life and Death #ThankfulThursday

Be Thankful For Life and Death#thankfulthursdayAs today is the last day of August, most people look forward to September to start them off with fall’s with its crisp, cool air, leaving turning and falling, school starting and the start of everything pumpkin. For me, September is a time of mourning those that I have lost this month. These people are ones that have had a huge impact in my life and I take the time to mourn them every September.

It has been 16 years since I lost my first person in September. I will never forget 9/11, where is was, what I was doing and what I was supposed to be doing but instead I was glued to TV watching the horror unfold and awaiting to hear that people who I cared about or know where safe. Then I found out 3 days later that a close friend of mine, a firefighter in the FDNY, had been trapped in one of the towers when it collapsed and they never were able to recover his whole body, just parts. His mother was devastated and so was I because I never thought that I would lose a friend in a horrible way like this. He is someone who had been through some of the worst times of my teen years with me and his death changed a part of me that may never be fixed because I still see myself push people away when they get to close in fear of losing them as well.

The next person I lost has been the hardest death I have ever experienced because it was my little brother. Another situation that I remember that day like it was yesterday when it was 9 years ago. Being the oldest of my siblings, I had to be the one to keep it together for my family when I was mentally losing it. The little brother that I used to torture as a child, was gone and I could never say I am sorry for not being a better big sister. His death is the one that I learned what drugs could do to a person and their family. When people make a joke of drugs and what they use or have used, I explain that my brother didn’t think they would take his life until one tragic day they did. This is the death that has affected who I am today the most because it has taught me to love those in your life and be thankful for everyday you get to spend with them because you never know if it could be your last.

I went from losing one person to drug addiction to losing an on again/off again boyfriend to his addiction to alcohol. After seeing the horror that my family went through with losing my brother, I thought that I could save my ex boyfriend from his alcoholism. It took me nearly 2 years to realize that he had a problem because we all drank alcohol. In the beginning, we had a blast drinking and having fun until I realized he didn’t know how to be sober unless he was at work. There were so many signs that I ignored because I loved this boy (he was not yet a man) and didn’t realize alcohol was his problem in life. As time progressed and he couldn’t live without a drop of alcohol in his house to the point where he would drink cooking sherry just for a buzz then it started to hit me. Add that to the mental, emotional and (at times) physical abuse I endured, I began to see his problem but the rest of this friends and family wouldn’t see the problem until it was to late. I still remember the last thing I said to him was to never talk to me again. Well my wish/nightmare came true because exactly a week later he died driving off the side of cliff on his Sunday alcohol run on his motorcycle. His death taught me not to say things you will later regret because you may never be able to say your sorry.

The last person that died was at the same time as my ex boyfriend but I was never able to meet her… my daughter’s heart stopped beating before she was ever able to be born and meet me. I was 16 weeks pregnant and just found out it was a girl when the Ultrasound tech all of a sudden stopped talking, went to get the doctor, who came back in the room to tell me that her heart had stopped beating a few days before the scan. I had to carry her around inside of me for another 2 weeks, attend my ex boyfriend’s funeral, and wait for my body to miscarry her. My body decided that on the anniversary of my brother’s death that it was time for her to leave my body. I went through a depression like no other after this and it took time and therapy for me to feel like me again. After her death, I never thought that I would have another baby but I am so grateful that I am expecting Baby Evelynne in just 18 weeks or sooner.

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In reality, I never became me again because these deaths all changed who I was in different ways. I have learned how to get past some of my fears or recognize when I am escaping back into my fears when getting close to other people. I have tried to use my experiences of loving someone (family and significant other) to teach others that if they love someone with an addiction, they need to want to fix themselves we cannot fix them. On the flip side, I have also tried to scare addicts or “recreational” drug users that they are not invisible and can die from what they are doing whether it is just once or millionth time.

For years, September became a month that I would push everyone away just to deal with myself and my feelings because I didn’t want people to see me be week but as the years have gone on, these deaths have made me more grateful for the life I have to live everyday and to not take the people I love for granted, though I am only human and have my moments. I still mourn in September but this is the month that I try my hardest to find the things that I am grateful for because each and every day is a blessing to cherish. Please hug and love your loved ones today and everyday!

 

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Time for Myself

10 years ago I would have agonized over having to spend time alone. I absolutely hated being by myself, to lost in my own thoughts which scared the hell out of me. Having lived with depression since a teen, being alone could send me into a downward spiral which would end in me not getting off the couch or out of bed for days at a time and cutting off communication to everyone possible. Now I cherish that time I can spend with just myself and my thoughts.

Growing up is a necessary evil that each of us have to cope with in different ways. One way I have learned to grow up and into myself, even at 35 years old, is to take time for myself to be alone. Sometimes it’s to just sit on my couch and read a book, sometimes it’s to sit at Panera at a table and do some laptop work or journal (in the past I would have feared sitting by myself in public!) or even sitting in my car and taking a few minutes to breathe and calm myself down. Lately, with all the stresses I have been dealing with plus living with 3 other people in my house, I haven’t been able to find my Meagan time which has contributed to some of my “temper tantrums”.  This term is used by my boyfriend when I go into my rage fits which are still coming and going. I’m still trying to find my way through all of this pain and instead of being one with myself and taking the time to take care of myself, I am causing myself more pain which hurts everyone around me.

Scheduling even 10 minutes of me time a day is essential to my mental health and my family’s well being because it helps me release the tension I have built up in my body and mind. I want to work on getting back my affirmations, reading my encouragement books (aka self help books), adding to my vision board and meditating again but I know I can’t do it all overnight. It’s going to take sometime to get back into the routine but scheduling 10 minutes a day to work on myself and spend time alone will be one of the most beneficial things I can do for myself. 

So I encourage all of you take 10 minutes today to spend by yourself to do something just for you even if it’s just to sit and think and let your thoughts flow through your mind and out of your mind.