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A Reset for 2019

Where do I even begin this post? 2018 was both the best year and worst year of my life…

Let’s start with the good before getting to the bad and how I plan on changing things up for 2019…

The Great Moments

Baby Evelynne

What can be better then adding our baby girl Evelynne into our family! She is the happiest, easy going baby that lights up the room with her smiles and giggles. Every morning I look forward to my good morning kisses and snuggles with my baby girl. This was one of the 4 best moments of my life when she was born at 2am on January 1st.

A New Car

For years, I have been driving beater cars because I couldn’t afford to finance a car plus my credit score was crap. Doug’s credit wasn’t much better but we need to improve his score so we can purchase a family home for our kids. After many attempts at purchasing a new truck for Doug, he decided a safer car for the kids and I would be better for everyone. The timing was perfect because we have been dealing with tire issues, motor mount issues and other issues with the car which seemed to increase by the week lately. A Facebook ad popped up an older Lexus, fully loaded, in amazing condition with low mileage which intrigued Doug to put in an application to finance the car. 10 days before Christmas, I drove home my Christmas gift! She’s a beauty and I love my new car aka Roxy! (Who else names their cars?)

Cricut Maker and Easy Press 2

Another early Christmas gift that my husband gave me was the new Cricut Maker and Easy Press 2 so that I could start my shirt and bag portion of my business. I have been wanting/asking for a cricut for years and this new cricut maker is AMAZING! I mean there is nothing this machine can’t make though I am still learning how to work many of its features. Plus, the Easy Press 2 has made making dancers and dance mom shirts and bags SOOOO much easier!

Now for the bad..

Did He Cheat?

Evelynne was 2 weeks old when I received a random Facebook message from someone I didn’t know. This wasn’t uncommon since I am always selling things on Marketplace so I assumed it was someone looking to purchase something. The first line flipped my whole world upside down and changed who I am forever. This random girl with a made up Facebook name told me in the span of 7 messages that my husband was having sex with her, not wearing his wedding ring and she paid our recent cellphone bill. I confronted my husband who denied cheating and says he didn’t know who this girl even was but suspected it had to do with his ex. His excuse was that this girl was setup by his ex that he gave me a little girl that he didn’t give her. I sat in my bed, holding my newborn baby girl and just cried. The past year has been a blur of depression and anxiety because I just function the best I can until I end up in tears or having a panic attack.

As for this random girl, Sunshine as a first name is more then likely made up to hide her true identity though I later found out her real name and where she lives. My husband doesn’t know how much I found out about this person.

Writing this has the tears flowing like it happened minutes ago. I don’t know if the pain of this will ever go away which whether he did cheat or not, Doug doesn’t understand why I can’t just let it go and move on. How do you just let something like this go when it is a he said/she said situation but certain details scream out at me that this random girl shouldn’t know!

Yes, I chose to stay in my marriage and keep my family intact for the time being to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. It has NOT been an easy task when some days I want to scratch his eyes out and somedays I want to hide from the world and just cry. We are supposed to be working on our marriage which seems to be a lot of hot air from him but this will be part of my blog in 2019.

My Mom’s Diagnosis

For as long as I can remember, my Mom hasn’t felt good. She has seen many doctors and received different diagnosis as to what it could be but they just didn’t seem to fit all of her symptoms. Finally, this year we received the answers that have been sought after for over 20 years… she has an autoimmune liver disease called PBC. This disease will eventually require her to have a liver transplant. My mom having it makes the females in our family highly susceptible to ending up with it as well. I did some testing and I have the markers but so far my liver bloodwork has come back as normal. This is will be a future post that I will explain more about the disease and squash the assumptions because people hear liver and think alcohol.

No Health Answers for Myself

What’s so frustrating is that my mom got her answers finally and what I thought was my answer, anemia, was not my answer at all. With my pregnancy, my iron and ferritan levels were so low that I had to see a hematologist and start on infusions. The hematologist told me that all the symptoms that I have been living with for years was due to undiagnosised anemia that my body was reacting to like my arms and legs randomly going numb, the spots in my eye, the fatigue, the pure weakness I feel all day, everyday etc. With our new insurance, I had to see a new PCP which ran an extensive amount of bloodwork, only to find out that now my iron levels are fine and just see her back in 3 months. 3 more months of pain and exhaustion while caring for a toddler and running a business? UMM HELL NO! I need and want answers not just live with all of this and see her again in a few month. WTF why don’t doctors care enough to try and find answers anymore?

The Bad parts of 2018 could go on and on with our being forced out of house we had been renting for a few years because someone else bought it and didn’t know the laws in our state for buying a rental property to the mounting medical bills to the slow restart to my handmade business. I don’t want to be a total Negatve Nelly so I am going to stop here with the bad

Reset for 2019

I am a self admitted, self help book Audible junkie and fell in love with Mel Robbins book “The 5 Second Rule” this year. It really has helped motivate me to try new things and even push past the pain I am in to get things done. I was super duper excited to see that Mel is starting a new program in 2019 called #mindsetreset which will help get your mind out of the gutter its been in and reset into something you want your mind and life to be. I need this to get out of my funk and depression.

I want so much more out of 2019 like a successful business, a healthy body, loving marriage and happy family. Even if these things don’t turn out the way I want, at least I can say that I tried. I can’t wait to get back into blogging and track my progress in my life. My blog will be more about chatting about my life as a mom, an entrapreuner, a wife and a woman. I would have loved to continue showing off my cooking/baking/crafty side but when something becomes so overwhelming that you shut down, it is not a right fit for the moment. I love talking and relating to other women that could be going through the same struggles that I am going through because we are never alone.

If you want to join in on Mel Robbins’ #mindsetreset check out her website: Mel Robbins Mindset Reset

I look forward to chatting with all of you in 2019!

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Our Rainbow Baby: Evelynne’s Birth Story

Evelynne's Birth Story

Our little rainbow, Evelynne Rue, was born exactly one week ago and her story is one that will always be special. Evelynne was born on New Year’s Day 2018 at 2:03am. She weighed in at 7 pounds 10 ounces and 21″ long. Evelynne will always have a special bond with her paternal grandfather because they will forever share a birthday!

Evelynne Rue was named after her Great-Grandparents, Evelynne is my husband’s paternal grandmother’s name and Rue is from LaRue, my maternal grandmother’s maiden name. I love my grandmother and miss her with all my heart but Evelynne Marjorie just didn’t flow as a name for me so I went with Rue.

Now for the story leading up to Evelynne’s arrival….

The days leading up to New Year’s Eve, I was trying every wives tale that I could find (the safe ones) to try to get my contractions to kick into high gear after months of contractions that did nothing but dialate me just a little bit but keep labor from coming and delivering her prematurely. I was drinking cups upon cups of double drewed Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, eating different foods people said worked for them, bouncing on an excercise ball all day and night, doing squats, walking up and down my stairs, a slew of other things. Even the day I went into labor I made the hubby take me to Walmart so that I could buy Evening Primerose Oil to try.

Then, on New Year’s Eve, the nesting kicked into full gear! Since we are approaching moving day, we didn’t set up her crib but I set up her Pack N Play with bassinet in our room for when she was born. I reorganized all of Evelynne’s clothes, diapers, wipes and other items. I organized everything in our room so that it was easier for when Evelynne was here and we had late night feedings and changings. I even began to organize and pack up my office, which I put off for as long as possible because I just didn’t feel like moving with the big belly.

Next, I decided I HAD TO MAKE BAKED ZITI! It was a must eat that night. My back was killing me but that didn’t stop my determination to make and eat homemade baked ziti. While I was going through the different steps of making the ziti, I turned on my man…. Adam and danced to Maroon 5. While I did all of this, I noticed my contractions were coming stronger and at a steady pace so I decided to time them. They were coming about 5-6 minutes apart at that point but we had been there before so when I kept bugging Doug about coming home from work, it took him over 2 hours to believe the contractions were real.

While I impatiently waited for Doug to come home, I took a bath and the contractions moved to 3-5 minutes apart. By the time Doug said he was on his way home, I called the on-call OB and they said come in to get checked. That was one of the most painful truck rides of my life because with every bump on the highway or every time he switched lanes, I felt it all through my body especially down below. (It didn’t help he had the business trailer still on the truck because the hitch was frozen).

We got into triage around 9pm and I was 4cm dilated which was a lot of progress for this pregnancy since I sat at 2cm for weeks. The contractions were a steady 3-4 minutes apart. The OBs were on the fence of whether to admit me or send me home and see if the labor continues because I wasn’t dilating much. Since we live 30 minutes away from the hospital and this was my 4th baby, I basically said I was too afraid to leave and deliver on the side of the road on New Year’s Eve. So I was admitted!

The OB resident gave me the option of getting the epidural as soon as we decided to admit me, which I said YES! They were keeping an eye on my dilation and effacement to break my water since she wasn’t wanting to descend and break the water on her own. Well, the epidural went horribly wrong! First, the anesthesiologist couldn’t get the epidural to insert correctly in the first location so then he tried another location. I was told it could take a 1/2 hour for it to really kick in. Let’s just say, the epidural never worked because I felt everything and by the time they came back to fix it, I was pushing Evelynne out! Now, I have had epidural in the past and never had problems like this.

My dilation and progression was still going slow so they gave me a small dose of Pitocin to speed things up. This was just before Midnight so we knew she wasn’t going to be our 2017 tax write off baby but our New Year’s Baby. Once that kicked in, they decided to break my water. It was all over after that….

I went from 6cm to 8cm in about a half hour, feeling every painful contraction and the feeling that my hips were breaking. The nurse set a peanut ball between my legs and had me on my side, which helped with the hip pain. Then, I went from 8cm to pushing in less than 15 minutes. That was the worst pain in my life! With Danyella, I woke up to my water breaking and her crowning, without an epidural, and didn’t feel the pain that I was feeling with Evelynne’s step by step labor.

It was time to push…

The nurse was getting everything set up for me to push as I lay on that bed wanting to die from the pain radiating through my lower half of my body. Doug was supposed to help hold my one leg up and I didn’t realize until after it was all done, he started feeling light-headed and ended up sitting on the couch next to the bed to avoid him collapsing while I was delivering Evelynne. I am unsure how long I was pushing for but it took 2 sets of 3 pushes and 4 pushes at the end to get Evelynne’s head out and then her body followed with one more push. The worst pain ever was for the best reason ever because after 9 months of the hardest pregnancy, Evelynne was here!

Evelynne took right to breastfeeding and had been a champ at it until my milk came in and I have been pumping to help with the painful engorgement. Other than her temperature dropping slightly right after she was born, she was doing great. After spending one night in the hospital, I was ready to go home and begged to have the OB release me since the pediatrician released Evelynne to go home. My back was in so much pain from the failed epidural that I just wanted my own bed. I got my wish and about 18 hours after I had Evelynne, we were home and in our own beds!

Evelynne was the first baby born in the hospitals network which was exciting but we missed being the first baby born in the area by an hour and half. We received lots of attention for the New Year’s Baby and even free gift card for professional photographs that are done in the hospital. I will always cherish those photographs because she used the Rainbow blanket I crochet for our Rainbow Baby! Now that Evelynne has blessed our lives for a week, we have gotten into our own little family routine. I can’t wait to share more of our stories with you on my new Mom Mondays!