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Learning to Let Go

Happy 2019 everyone! I can’t wait to begin this year off with a bang, even if I am late to the party… so let’s learn how to let it go in 2019!

Let it go, let it go… yes I’m mentally singing the song in my head which is something I should have started doing when the song first came out. I am the opposite of a let it go person so this is my challenge to myself in 2019. I need to learn to let things go and not let them eat me alive one thought at a time.

Dwell like last weeks leftovers

Who are my fellow dwell on something until it’s all you can think about, consumes your mind, body and soul and slowly eats you alive?

For most of my 37 years, I have acted like I let things go while they  sit in my mind and stew like those leftover you forgot in the back of the fridge. Yes, those now moldy, soggy leftovers that you just want to throw away, container and all are like the bad moments that I can’t let go in my mind. It is sad that letting go has become this hard for me.

In the beginning, I could let some stuff roll off my back and let go of the negative impact it had on my life. That all changed with my divorce. I married a man and had 2 children with him and the whole time our marriage was just a huge, gigantic lie to him. Since, my older kids don’t know the whole story of our divorce, all I can say is that there was ALOT of lies and betrayal on his part that forever changed who I was, mentally and emotionally and even physically. How do you bounce back from that kind of betrayal? You learn to act like you let it go while suppressing your true feelings until you stew on them to the point that it makes you anxiety ridden and over analyze EVERYTHING! This is NOT the healthy way to do with a life changing event, which is why I am changing my thoughts and life with #mindsetreset with Mel Robbins.

Negative Thoughts On Repeat

Are you one that has the repeat button on in your mind that tells you: You are to fat, You are to old, You are stupid, No One Loves You, You are not Good Enough? I have been on the no one loves you and I am not good enough train for probably 25 years. The I am not good enough thoughts started as a child when I was reprimanded for bad grades and then escalated with family situations that occurred in my life. The no one loves you thoughts really began to shine through any positive thoughts with my divorce and just got worse with every break up there after.

As adults, our limiting or negative beliefs are ones that have either started as a child, by a parent or teacher or a traumatic event in adolescence/adulthood.  These negative beliefs can shape our lives which is not healthy for yourself and your loved ones. 

What are your limiting, negative beliefs about yourself?

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

For years, I have believed in the saying: Change your thoughts, Change your LIFE but I haven’t always executed what I believed in. It takes time and effort to recognize the bad thoughts and change them to good ones, especially when most of your thoughts are negative beliefs about yourself. As I have been consciously working on catching my negative thoughts, I have realized how much I let things stew in my mind, even the smallest of things.

For example, I know that I have used the cheating accusations dwell in my thoughts for the past year and has shaped how I treat my husband and even close friends of mine. This is not how I want to live my life. I either accept what he told and move forward or I don’t accept it and move on from my marriage. Dwelling on he/she said aspect is not healthy for anyone in my family, especially my children.

Another example: In August, I began to sell clothes that either didn’t fit me or my kids on Poshmark. Everyone I know either sells or buys on Poshmark and raves about it. As I started to gain sales, I added some of my handmade hats and other accessories. In October, the hats became a hit for Halloween. I had one buyer, after trying to haggle a lower price for weeks, complain to Poshmark about the hat until I sent her a new one. This bothered me until she gave me a 5 star review. I sat at all 5 star reviews until last week. Another buyer, who also haggled a lower price on a more expensive item, gave the sweater 4 stars and remarked about item cleanliness. This has bugged me day in and out since that review because I always make sure the items are clean and list the wear for the used items in the listing. Plus, it dropped my rating to a 4.9 which isn’t horrible but not how I want my business perceived to potential buyers.

The only way to learn to let go of the negativity and negative thoughts is by releasing them from your mind. I have had to consciously recognize when I am having negative thoughts or dwelling on situations, and tell myself that I am good enough, I am loved, I am a wonderful woman and mother. This is the only way to begin to let things go.

Let It Go and Have a Happy Life

I want that happy life that I see other people have or portray having happy lives. I know that in order to truly be happy in my own life, my own body and my own mind is to make changes within myself. To start off these changes, I need to learn to let go of the past, let go of the stupid shit that bothers me, let go of the negative thoughts and let go my self destructive behaviors that fester all of the negativity and leaves no room for positivity in my life. It is time to shine with happiness and positivity, even if those around me are negative. It is time to let it go, let it go while I wait out the storm for sunny days. 

If you want to join Mel Robbins #mindsetreset and change your thoughts for 2019 follow this link: #mindsetreset 

 

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A Reset for 2019

Where do I even begin this post? 2018 was both the best year and worst year of my life…

Let’s start with the good before getting to the bad and how I plan on changing things up for 2019…

The Great Moments

Baby Evelynne

What can be better then adding our baby girl Evelynne into our family! She is the happiest, easy going baby that lights up the room with her smiles and giggles. Every morning I look forward to my good morning kisses and snuggles with my baby girl. This was one of the 4 best moments of my life when she was born at 2am on January 1st.

A New Car

For years, I have been driving beater cars because I couldn’t afford to finance a car plus my credit score was crap. Doug’s credit wasn’t much better but we need to improve his score so we can purchase a family home for our kids. After many attempts at purchasing a new truck for Doug, he decided a safer car for the kids and I would be better for everyone. The timing was perfect because we have been dealing with tire issues, motor mount issues and other issues with the car which seemed to increase by the week lately. A Facebook ad popped up an older Lexus, fully loaded, in amazing condition with low mileage which intrigued Doug to put in an application to finance the car. 10 days before Christmas, I drove home my Christmas gift! She’s a beauty and I love my new car aka Roxy! (Who else names their cars?)

Cricut Maker and Easy Press 2

Another early Christmas gift that my husband gave me was the new Cricut Maker and Easy Press 2 so that I could start my shirt and bag portion of my business. I have been wanting/asking for a cricut for years and this new cricut maker is AMAZING! I mean there is nothing this machine can’t make though I am still learning how to work many of its features. Plus, the Easy Press 2 has made making dancers and dance mom shirts and bags SOOOO much easier!

Now for the bad..

Did He Cheat?

Evelynne was 2 weeks old when I received a random Facebook message from someone I didn’t know. This wasn’t uncommon since I am always selling things on Marketplace so I assumed it was someone looking to purchase something. The first line flipped my whole world upside down and changed who I am forever. This random girl with a made up Facebook name told me in the span of 7 messages that my husband was having sex with her, not wearing his wedding ring and she paid our recent cellphone bill. I confronted my husband who denied cheating and says he didn’t know who this girl even was but suspected it had to do with his ex. His excuse was that this girl was setup by his ex that he gave me a little girl that he didn’t give her. I sat in my bed, holding my newborn baby girl and just cried. The past year has been a blur of depression and anxiety because I just function the best I can until I end up in tears or having a panic attack.

As for this random girl, Sunshine as a first name is more then likely made up to hide her true identity though I later found out her real name and where she lives. My husband doesn’t know how much I found out about this person.

Writing this has the tears flowing like it happened minutes ago. I don’t know if the pain of this will ever go away which whether he did cheat or not, Doug doesn’t understand why I can’t just let it go and move on. How do you just let something like this go when it is a he said/she said situation but certain details scream out at me that this random girl shouldn’t know!

Yes, I chose to stay in my marriage and keep my family intact for the time being to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. It has NOT been an easy task when some days I want to scratch his eyes out and somedays I want to hide from the world and just cry. We are supposed to be working on our marriage which seems to be a lot of hot air from him but this will be part of my blog in 2019.

My Mom’s Diagnosis

For as long as I can remember, my Mom hasn’t felt good. She has seen many doctors and received different diagnosis as to what it could be but they just didn’t seem to fit all of her symptoms. Finally, this year we received the answers that have been sought after for over 20 years… she has an autoimmune liver disease called PBC. This disease will eventually require her to have a liver transplant. My mom having it makes the females in our family highly susceptible to ending up with it as well. I did some testing and I have the markers but so far my liver bloodwork has come back as normal. This is will be a future post that I will explain more about the disease and squash the assumptions because people hear liver and think alcohol.

No Health Answers for Myself

What’s so frustrating is that my mom got her answers finally and what I thought was my answer, anemia, was not my answer at all. With my pregnancy, my iron and ferritan levels were so low that I had to see a hematologist and start on infusions. The hematologist told me that all the symptoms that I have been living with for years was due to undiagnosised anemia that my body was reacting to like my arms and legs randomly going numb, the spots in my eye, the fatigue, the pure weakness I feel all day, everyday etc. With our new insurance, I had to see a new PCP which ran an extensive amount of bloodwork, only to find out that now my iron levels are fine and just see her back in 3 months. 3 more months of pain and exhaustion while caring for a toddler and running a business? UMM HELL NO! I need and want answers not just live with all of this and see her again in a few month. WTF why don’t doctors care enough to try and find answers anymore?

The Bad parts of 2018 could go on and on with our being forced out of house we had been renting for a few years because someone else bought it and didn’t know the laws in our state for buying a rental property to the mounting medical bills to the slow restart to my handmade business. I don’t want to be a total Negatve Nelly so I am going to stop here with the bad

Reset for 2019

I am a self admitted, self help book Audible junkie and fell in love with Mel Robbins book “The 5 Second Rule” this year. It really has helped motivate me to try new things and even push past the pain I am in to get things done. I was super duper excited to see that Mel is starting a new program in 2019 called #mindsetreset which will help get your mind out of the gutter its been in and reset into something you want your mind and life to be. I need this to get out of my funk and depression.

I want so much more out of 2019 like a successful business, a healthy body, loving marriage and happy family. Even if these things don’t turn out the way I want, at least I can say that I tried. I can’t wait to get back into blogging and track my progress in my life. My blog will be more about chatting about my life as a mom, an entrapreuner, a wife and a woman. I would have loved to continue showing off my cooking/baking/crafty side but when something becomes so overwhelming that you shut down, it is not a right fit for the moment. I love talking and relating to other women that could be going through the same struggles that I am going through because we are never alone.

If you want to join in on Mel Robbins’ #mindsetreset check out her website: Mel Robbins Mindset Reset

I look forward to chatting with all of you in 2019!